even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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