well I can't set my house on fire every night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
