I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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