I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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