I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
