My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
