cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
COCAINE IS GR8
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
