I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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