Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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