I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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