I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? ðð
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life