i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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