just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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