I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
