I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
