Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
