I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's blow job season.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
