I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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