you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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