I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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