when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
