I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
