My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
