I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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