I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
