I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
