Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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