everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
