Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
