Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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