if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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