Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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