someone threw a dead crab at me
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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