Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
