we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
