recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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