Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
