You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
