my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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