I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
