I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He felt like a one man threesome
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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