anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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