The maid of honor just puked.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
