Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night