I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.