Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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