Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
