Umm I'm too high to move.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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