Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
