I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
