I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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