You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
