after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
