just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
