Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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