my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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