I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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