9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
